Jeff Gordon: An Answer for any Question

Who is Jeff Gordon? Why is he so much better at Mario cart even after a casual frisbee sit?

Well dumbasses, the answer is he’s a professional NASCAR driver who used to be good but now he washed up as shit, and that’s only because he got soft and got married, what a homo.

Gordon was born on August 4th, 1971 and began competitively racing at the age of 5 in the quarter midgets. Normally, people can’t drive until 16 as is law, but down south nobody gives a damn as long as you’re running crystal meth, apparently. He gained nearly 100 wins racing stock cars from age 5 to 12, mostly because all the other kids had no teeth and we’re too busy stopping to gnaw on road kill they hit during the race.

Gordon continued being a badass winning races that I’ve never heard of, or care to hear of ever. In fact I don’t give a damn about NASCAR besides the fact you can bring your own beer to the races and get absolutely smashed. No wonder ticket sales are so high.

Gordon is considered to be the in the top 50 best racers of all time for all the times he circled the wagons better than the other squirrels (that’s real NASCAR terminology, and yes that was the best they could do). I honestly feel horrible for ESPN just to have to occasionally play this shit on air, thoughts go out to you Kevin Neghandi, too bad cricket isn’t on ESPN.

Besides all my ranting and belittling the best 24 ever in sports, he did pull in some fine ass squirrel tail. Considering he only drives around in circles and he’s pulled in more than 80 million dollars, well he figured something out. He’s actually an intelligent guy, and here’s a quote from a real journalist down south to really cap things off,

“Gordon bathes regularly, appears to be familiar with toothpaste, owns footwear, doesn’t chew, play the banjo or own a huntin’ dawg. Just what planet is this guy from?”
—Racing columnist Jeff Olson


–  Kevboe Castinini