What the hell is wrong with me?

I’m not really sure how to go about this. What I am about to do is definitely out of my comfort zone. I am not one to talk about my feelings/situation ever but that’s about to change.

I feel like its not news to anyone that I have a disease. (and if it is news to you, you’re no friend of mine and you can go fuck yourself (JK JK)). Its called ulcerative colitis. What it is is this: my immune system thinks something is wrong with me so it tries to fix it by creating ulcers in my large intestine. I know, it makes no sense to me either. The symptoms, as you might be able to imagine, are not pretty. It causes me go to the bathroom (and no, not number 1) anywhere between 2-20 times a day, terrible abdominal pain while I’m in the bathroom, disgusting diarrhea and to save the best for last, blood coming out of my exit hole.

Because of it being on the same path as where food travels, I have to watch what I eat.  I tend to avoid fibrous foods (wheat bread, fresh veggies, nuts/seeds etc), spicy foods, and milk products. Also beer because, well, think about how your bathroom experience is after you drink beer and then think about how mine might be. But its not always that cut and dry, black and white. When I’m healthy, can get away with eating a slice of pizza or a beer. When I’m not healthy, I stay as far away from these things as possible. But there’s some ambiguity as to when I am “healthy” and when I’m not.

I have been in the hospital so many times, on so much medicine with the craziest side effects, been poked with so many needles, talked to so many doctors and had more things up my ass than I feel comfortable even attempting to count.

But I’m not looking for sympathy here. And I really, truly, sincerely mean that.

Its just something I put up with everyday and try everything I can to just have fun in college, which may in fact be part of the problem. Maybe I’m trying to do too much. I try to pretend I’m okay a lot of the time when I’m actually not. I think that’s because I think if I can just maybe hide it for long enough, it’ll go away and I can go on with my day.

I don’t talk about it too much because its not always easy to explain and as simple as “don’t eat this and you’ll be okay” so I just hope I don’t get in a situation where it comes up.

I always think that you guys think its weird how I say im not feeling well but I will be going to class and hanging out and laughing and stuff. Or how I one day might go get pizza and the next day say that I probably shouldn’t. And that’s the frustrating part. That I am able to function normally to an extent but  after a certain point, I have to stop myself or make a decision that I don’t want to. Like I hate how i can’t go to Kelly’s or the idle and ask for a Schmidt beer. Or get invited to a breakfast without having to worry about bringing my own alcohol because I know I cant go to the keg. Or get a garbage plate because that would just about kill me.

And I may very well be wrong about you guys thinking that which, again, is probably part of the problem. The mental toll this fucking disease plays on me or anyone with it is exhausting. To be healthy one minute and the next you’re dehydrated to the point that you need to go to the ER, and have that happen multiple times will do a number on your brain. I’m not gonna be institutionalized or anything but I’ve realized to not dismiss anyone claiming to have mental issues because they are fucking real.

And I’m also not trying to dangle this in front of anyone like I’m better having gone through this. Really, I’m not. We all have our shit to deal with no matter how big or small and anyone that tries to compare the size of their bullshit to yours is not worth anyone’s time.

Which is why the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is so stupid. I hate that saying. I’m not any stronger having been through this but I am also not any weaker. I’m just me. I’ve realized that there is always someone who has it worse than you and always someone to has it better than you and there’s no point in trying to equate or separate yourself from those people, which I think that saying does. There’s nothing you can do in life except deal with whatever is put in front of you and then leave it in the past. Don’t dwell on it. Don’t think about it. It happened and that’s that.

Which is why I’m not looking for sympathy. This is what I’ve had to put up with and its not what I want to do but I have no choice but to try and figure it out.

And because I’m still trying to figure it out, I am withdrawing from school to undergo some surgery that can help me out. What this surgery will do is remove my large intestine (yes, it is possible) and essentially redirect my small intestine to my “whispering eye.” I hope I’ll bounce back as soon as possible and be back to normal by this summer. Hopefully I will be able to get garbage plates or go to breakfasts without feeling worried.

It sounds radical but I assure you that this surgery is done frequently with a lot of success. Also, it is doing me a favor, not hindering me in anyway. That is, if everything goes as planned. There are risks but no more risky than what I’m currently going through. Its called j-pouch surgery if you’re at all interested.

So the next time you see me, I’ll likely be a changed man that is one less large intestine.

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure why I wrote this. I think since this is coming to an end, I finally feel comfortable being candid about my whole situation? And  I guess I feel like no one knows what goes on when I miss school and say I’m not feeling well and this fixes that? I don’t know.

And, since I’m being honest, I am pretty high on percocets as I’m writing this, if that’s any consolation.